Dead is the New Alive
by Circus Fish
Summary: The Feelings and Thoughts of Remus and Sirius. 20 Moments in which the world seemed to be off balance and just a little bit violent.


Title : Dead is the New Alive

Subtitle: Freudian Fxck-up

Part: 1/?4?

Ships: SiriusxRemus

A/N: I really should post the next chapter of Twilight Symphony...but this weird little thing here was already written ages ago (by me) and needed to be translated...and after all the chapter is 3/4 finished (for months now)...but I hate it...so I will doctor on it until the feeling's right, or the reviewers wish to hang me, which they probably already want to.

I hope that somebody likes and reviews this...it might be(or surely is) confusing and scrxwed up and over...but translating my own stuff is not really easy, because I despise to read my own stories.

Ah, btw - this story is made up of snippets, once again (wrote KH, YnM and WR snippets and had ignored HP...bweeeeee) but those are, for once, longer than one sentence per snippet, simply because I wanted it so. Each snippet shows certain unvoiced believes and secrets, attitudes of (at first) Remus, Sirius and probably James and Severus...20 snippets for each character.

**I absolutely thank those who reviewed Twilight Symphony...in all honesty, you gave me the strength to go on, if any of you reads and survives this( no rereading...)let me tell you, that you saved me. Sounds...dramatic, but I don't care as long as it is true. There are special reviews who made me cry...I will thank you more in the coming chapter of TS, but thank you, really. Thank you.** Thank you. Thank you for making it easier to breath.

Disclaimer: I merely own the insanity but not the characters of this chapter...even the title is borrowed xP Can anybody tell from who?

* * *

Remus : Pray For me

1 -Remus loves books; loves them because they can chase -with full filling ease- his inner rain clouds and thunder storms away, because they smell good and warm and safe -smell more like home than his own bed does- and because there will always be a moment or two when Sirius -curiosity growing to rival his monumental ego- leans over his shoulders and shares the book, the story, his very own warmth and strength with him. A moment -or two, sometimes three- where a single strand of black hair will grace Remus' cheek and make him close his eyes, wishing that James would finally find the spell which would stop time.

For ever.

x

2 - Sirius was the reason why Remus began to hate the Wolf. For it had been Sirius who had, with a rare smile and a soft look from his astoundingly silver eyes shown Remus that he had been living a lie, that he had, quite willingly, formed illusions and castles made of soap bubbles, bridges made of blinding tears...  
Until that day, that disturbingly short moment where Sirius had gazed at him and shown him reality, Remus had believed, with almost every fiber of his scared body, that he was normal as long as there was no full moon and no silver around him, that he only became a monster once a month and that -without the full moon, and werwolf's and bad luck- he would be an ordinary, happy and healthy boy.

And even though his belief had been strong the black haired boy had broken it up and into a thousand pieces with nothing but a single look...a look, a moment, a truth that had taught Remus that he was a monster even when he was wearing a human body and an uniform, that his smile was shadowing canines and his words sodden wishes that should never come true...  
even when he had truly wished, in that moment, with Sirius and his damnable rare smile, his wonderful smell and the feeling of...rightfulness, with the wolf howling in his chest and raising his hackles, that he could rip open the other's chest and claw himself trough his body until he could rest his head on the boy's heart...and be, disgustingly, frighteningly, content.

Safe and happy had never sounded the same to the sandy haired youth.

x

3 - In 1973 Remus locks the letters he receives from Sirius in his drawer and refuses to reread them, even when his entire being burns for those very words and the warmth they emit.

Remus does this, because he has, in this very year, realised that he likes Sirius and fears that he would never let go of those letters, those thousands of words and wild thoughts if he would touch them, just as he can not imagine that he could ever let go of the other...

x

4 - In 1998 the letters are still in the drawer beside his bed, close to where Remus sleeps, breathes and dreams, because he really could not let go of Padfoot.

x

5 - Remus was never jealous or envious of Sirius and James' friendship, because, truth to be told, he never wanted to be just the others friends.

x

6 - The day where Remus sees Sirius in the suit that he is wearing for James and Lily's wedding he -accidentally- introduces himself to the her parents as:  
"Remus Black."Before he can correct this slip of his tongue - he can not bear to think of it as a mistake- the red head grabs him and drags him away. When he asks her, still blushing furiously, why she does not allow him to introduce himself properly, Lily shakes her head and grins at him one of her sunrise smiles"It's useless to correct an Freudian Slip-up, Remus, after that little sentence it is truly obvious what you want."  
Denying this, he knows, would be a lie far greater than any he has spun until now.

x

7 - Sometimes, when Remus looks at Harry, he sees Lily's eyes and James' face, sometimes he sees Dumbledore's confused golden boy and sometimes a child which almost drowns in its robes and the emotions it feels, most times though, he sees the resemblance Harry has to Sirius, the boy who grew up in a home where the shadows were bleeding, the hopes were dying and relatives forgot how to love. In those moments, moments and snippets of time where he rediscovers Sirius as the violent, but loving child, the powerful and caring friend and Harry as some weird descendant he can do nothing but offer the boy tea and hope, that the young Gryffindor will not make the mistake of befriending a monster and loving it; because that, if nothing else, would surely be his downfall. Remus knows this, because he has seen it happen before.

x

8 - He is surprised that he can still summon a patronus.

x

9 - Everybody keeps telling him how pale he is, how and when and what he should eat and that he is not supposed to over exercise himself.  
It is only Sirius who, while breaking a chocolate bar in halves and handing him one, asks him how he is feeling.

x

10 - It is a cold and deserted night in December when Remus finds himself beneath a mistletoe with none other than Sirius in front of him.  
His heart is beating almost on his tongue, hammering wildly against his temples, making his head spin and he feels tawdry yet alive, but Sirius gives him an almost blank look and the younger man wonders for a gelid moment if the other even remembers what he is supposed to do now.  
Before Remus can blink and collect his thoughts he is livid, angry that Sirius of all people could have forgotten something like this and that the other's fortitude seems to be withered away. With a growl climbing confusingly soft from his throat he pulls Sirius down to himself and kisses him and forgets to take a last breath before he sews their mouths together. When the kiss ends he tells himself that this lack of oxygen is the reason why his chest aches and his lungs and eyes burn; it is not, he whispers, the sight of Sirius turning on his heels and fading into the dark recesses of number 12 Grimmauld Place.

x

11 - He holds Harry because he fears he might jump after Sirius himself; a part of him does so nonetheless.

x

12 - The other part of him, the broken, mean and cold one that stares at him when he looks in the mirror, is relieved that Sirius is gone.

x

13 - At least this way he has no longer to fight the wish to kiss and hold Sirius and the fear of losing the other is gone, too; but with it, it seems, everything good and nice and safe has perished as well. They lycanthrope feels no wonder at that.

x

14 - Remus remembers, that he had, as a soft and gentle child, believed that Sirius kisses would taste a little bit of dark chocolate. When he was an older child, still gentle but oh so much happier, he discovered that the other's kisses did indeed taste sweet but instead of bitter they were hot and made not only his fingers, but his entire body shake.  
The bitter taste that he had, almost innocently, linked with Sirius' kisses started to seep into his life after the other was gone and he had kissed 'Dora and realised that he would never feel Sirius' lips on his own again.Not even when he cried and tried to claw his lips of his face and stated, later, that it had been the full moon which had driven him to this, and not incandescent love.

x

15 - After he has realised this, understood that Sirius and the Sweetness, his Hopes and Dreams are gone, he refuses to touch any chocolate for weeks.

x

16 -Actually, Remus likes coffee as much as tea, the problem is, that there is nobody, not even himself, especially not himself, who can make it the way he likes it.  
Sirius used to be the only one who could do this smallest of miracles, but the black haired man used to be the only one for a lot of things, and Remus really does not like to think about them.

x

17 -Very few people know it, but Remus can be very loud, when he is touched at the exact right spot with the right amount of pressure, because the werewolf is, and probably always will be, the height of ticklish and his laughter has throughout his years stayed unrestrained. The thing is, with Sirius gone, there is nobody who touches him at the exact right spot anymore.

x

18 - Remus is of the strong opinion that he has, quite frankly, lost his mind. When he asks himself when exactly this happened, he can only vote for the day where he has agreed to marry Tonks, because how else is he supposed to explain the decision to marry somebody whose touches make him shudder and draw inside himself?

x

19 - Looking at the last dying embers of the fireplace he thinks, that he was already insane when Sirius came back to him and his flat, his unbalanced existence and he forgot to draw the other into his arms and his bed.

x

20 - He is looking from James' brown to Sirius grey eyes when he realises that he had been wrong the entire time.

"I was insane for much longer than I thought", he confesses and watches as the ghost of his friend, now young and gorgeous and close again, raises a single eyebrow and hides his sorrows behind the rough lie of a lopsided grin.

"How else am I to explain the fact that I had you and let you go? Not only to Azkaban but also from my life?"Sirius takes a step towards the sandy haired youth and resembles, neither for the first nor the last time, a scolded child. Raising his mercury eyes, the taller man uses a voice which is drowning in thousand of tears and an immortal, slightly insane but impeccable love-

"And does Msr Moony believe that he is cured?"

Remus own voice refuses him and so he grasps Sirius, pulls him forward and against himself and does not - for a second, a moment, an eternity- let go.


End file.
